


Of my dreams

by Decembre1722



Series: Me praying that Aizen-sama will see my dedication and join me in Onmyoji [5]
Category: Bleach
Genre: Alternative Perspective, Angst, Hero!Gin, Illusions, M/M, Mental Instability, Murderer!Gin, What-If
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-29
Updated: 2019-08-29
Packaged: 2020-09-29 18:29:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20440526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Decembre1722/pseuds/Decembre1722
Summary: You were in your white coat, dark hakama, standing there looking at me.





	Of my dreams

**Author's Note:**

> This is supposed to be written in Vietnamese only, but somehow I managed to have it in English as well. My love for Aizen and Gin remains unchanged, but I no longer give out promises. 
> 
> Enjoy!

original image belongs to Tsubacisou, edited by me

*

I have dreamt about the day I can see you again. You were in your white coat, dark hakama, standing there looking at me. You smiled at me, hands hidden in your sleeves. You were waiting for me to come to you. I know it. Hence I keep on counting down until the day I can leave and look for you.

You were one hell of a patient man, no matter how long it took you could still be waiting patiently. As how you spent your 200 years tempting me into you, another 100 years for me to walk beside you, and now another 100 years of me to remember you. Aizen-sama, if you were so patient, could I ask from you another extra hour of waiting? _'Cuz ya know, down here in Muken things are so dark 'n withou' ya, I can't really find the way out._

*

I have waited for you for a hundred years, Aizen-sama. From the day you disappeared from Karakura's alley with a hole in your chest. I didn't know how you could survive it. Maybe someone's helped you, someone came and took you away when I wasn't pay attention. All I knew back then was hougyoku in my hands, the thing that took you so many time to achieve and tame; the thing that made you hurted Rangiku and made me follow you; the thing that you needed so bad to change this Soul Society.

I didn't give a shit about this world, Soul Society or human lives. Never my problem. You did whatever you want and I didn't even care. The only thing I could not forgive you was what you did to Rangiku. If it wasn't you and your hougyoku, Rangiku's supposed to be an excellent shinigami. She'd have a completed soul and learned her bankai. Because **you** were the one that hurted her, so I'd make you pay. I told her I wouldn't let her cry anymore, and my promise must be kept no matter what. You understand that aswell, don't you. Everything was fine with just you and me, but whenever I saw her, I'd recall that painfully cold winter night when she's lying unconciously on the ground with her soul ripped apart, and you with hougyoku in your hands...

I could never forget the moment I ordered Shinsou to attack you. It was one of a kind, completely wonderful and satisfying because I knowI am the only one that caught you off guarded. I am the only one that can hurt you this much, this bad. Only me. It was pure bliss having hougyoku inside my palm, knowing that I've kept my promise. I was happy, so happy even if it was just for a moment, a short second. I was happy.

I had you with me, hougyoku in my hand, my promise was kept and everything was fine, for a moment. Then the next second you called my name. I heard something broke. Maybe it's your voice. It was not okay. Like an instinct, I withdrew my hands and took a step back. Instead of holding you, I was a coward as people always say; a snake that's ready to bite and swallow whatever it likes. My instinct told me to stay away from you and I did. I turned and walked away with hougyoku and left you fallen to the ground.

I always believe that I was right. I wasn't wrong. If I was to stay, you would definitely kill me. You wouldn't hold me in your arms as you always do like when we're in Hueco Mundo. The wound on my wrist was the proof. You reached out for me, grabbed my hand so tight that it hurted, that I had to rip off my flesh just to get away from you. I was not wrong, you were furious, extremely furious because it was an insult to you that I betrayed you; that I attacked you and stole the thing from your own hand. You were prideful to the extend of an arrogant bastard, Aizen-sama, and no matter how deep our feelings were toward each other, you would never forgive me.

I knew that so I turned away and you fell to the ground with a blood hole open in your chest, your fingers flustered with my flesh and blood. It was my right decision, yet also the most regret one I've ever made. Because when I returned, you were no longer there. All left was blood and nothing else. 

I thought I had it all. Had Rangiku, you, my own happiness, and my promise. But in the end you left me and I was alone with hougyoku. I had everything except you.

*

I had a bright future, Aizen-sama. Without you, everything was fine. They welcomed me as a hero sacrify myself for the greater good. They took me back and gave me back my power. Gave me a house inside Seireitei, a private room in Centre 46 as they always give to a captain. I was back with my zanpakutou as a shinigami. I was myself back then again, Gin Ichimaru, captain of Gotei 3. But there were no longer anyone that questioned me, no one that I could look at every meeting. Nobody ever doubt me again, after all I have done to you, to Soul Society. Even if they see my smirk that still makes them tremble, they would still try to nod in return. I was the good guy, the hero of the society, and you were the bad guy. I destroyed you.

Nobody cared about your death, Aizen-sama. Nobody but me. At first those in Gotei 13 did make some plan to search and kill you. They came and asked me for what happened on that day and gave out possibilities that you could survive. I listened and thought how boring. I know you, you would never do such thing so simple, so dumb. You have your Kyouka Suigetsu and that's more than enough for you. I kept on wondering, maybe that's why I could not find you or even feel you. Because you're using your zanpakutou to hide away from me, from this world. After a period of time searching for you, they gave up and accepted that you're dead. They stopped the search. I was the only one still looking at the informations, the left-over traits, the moment of you falling down, I turned away and only saw blood when return. Where the heck did you go?

I questioned myself when I was holding hougyoku. I questioned myself when I used hougyoku to return Rangiku's soul. Even when I gave hougyoku to Seireitei, I kept on questioning myself. Why didn't you come? Why haven't you made your return? I was in Gotei 13 already, I was captain again already. Kira was no longer my lieutenant, as well as the one being the captain of team 5 was no longer you. He was someone that got promoted earlier when we were in Hueco Mundo, so we didn't know. You know what, that feeling when I saw someone wearing the same clothes you used to wear and standing at the same place you used to stand. Even if you despite that position so much, still I could not handle my rage. It was not fine. He was nothing as good as you in every way. He was someone that I could just stabbed and sticked him on the wall of Seireitei easily the same way as you faked your death before. But I didn't do it. Would be another insult to you and Kyouka Suigetsu if I did, and an extra insult is never a nice gift to you. So I didn't.

I had my ways to play with the preys, and only you understand it, only you understand everything Aizen-sama. I planned to wait until your return, until you're bored of hiding in the dark and come back to find me. You probably are going to torture me for what I have done and take whatever you want from me. I waited for you forever, counting every seconds every minutes, from dusk to dawn, from the rise of the stars 'till the return of bright daylight. I waited for you days by days, seasons and seasons and then years. Until I feel bored, so bored that I decide to not change my way of killing the prey anymore. I still could not see you. You did not come to find me, but she did. Rangiku found me in the pool of blood. I saw her eyes.

Was that the look I gave you back then? If I did turn around that day and you were still there covered in blood, would my glance be the same to you? But you weren't there for me to see you again. You never return for me. As I decided to attack you, withdrew my hand and turned away from you, at that same moment you decided to turn your back on me, didn't you?

I waited for you for so long, Sousuke. Maybe I have to go and find you.

*

I remember the first day we met. A late summer day four hundred years ago, when you were the lieutenant of team 5 teaching at Shin'o Academy. I was a new student just came in that year, one of many from Rukongai. I and Rangiku struggled just to survive and compete. Ya know, somewhere in the mud, there're worms crawling and digging just to live. That might be me. Thoughts were like, at least we're alive, safe and sound with food, still better than wandering around outside Rukongai with countless dangers. But those changed when I saw you.

You were loved. Someone who is so nice, so kind, so forgiving and righteous, that was you in everyone's mind, in Rangiku's mind. Such a nice shinigami, an excellent teacher loved by everyone. That calligraphy class before you was dust, and then with you it's packed. People were standing in the hallway just to look at you. You were the ultimate perfection, completely no faults. Yet the more I looked at you, the more I was i doubt. That was not you. Even if your smile was so tender, your voice was so soothingly sweet, your care was so gentle and delicate, it wasn't feel right to me. She said I was being too skeptical, she trusted you. I didn't.

Maybe it was because of my instinct raised from being in Rukongai for so long. Maybe it was just fate. For a thousand of people in Soul Society, I saw through you. That summer I met you, found the fireworks within my heart I never knew I have. Then that winter I saw you and four others, Rangiku was unconcious on the cold ground. You were holding something in your hand that took away something from her. I knew I was right. I didn't realise back then, that aside from the anger raised because you hurt my friend, I was also relaxed and proud knowing that I was not wrong about you.

I came to Shin'o Academy for reasons. But you were the only reason that made me myself today. Some being shinigami to save, I said it myself I'd be shinigami to protect. But in the end, I knew myself being the shinigami for nothing but to kill.

It was your fault, not me. I was not wrong, never.

*

My execution's on a sunny day. The sun's so bright as if I was back in Hueco Mundo again. I can see myself standing in front of many of those large hallways in Las Noches, looking out of the window and let my sight flees till the end of the skyline. I can see the endless golden sand, those dark gillians moving up and down struggle to live. Hueco Mundo is so beautiful, such deadly beauty that not many can understand the taste but you and me. It feels strangely relaxing, coming from my mind, filling up my heart and body when I feel the flame starts. It feels like returning to the cold ground of the forest of Menos. My blood boils as if they're cheering for me, and I recall how I was in the ruin of Negal with you to clear out the trash and pick up the specials. Tosen was there, too. You did absolutely nothing but walking and let me and Tosen do the killing. I knew that if you want, you can do it without any problem, one shot kill all, but you didn't. Perk of being at the top, you smirked, and I also smirked. Well back then I was not so sure if it was a true heart smirk or I'd be screaming and yelling at you inside of my head, for all the exhaustion that you made me go through. Even if I was much stronger than those in Negal, that's still some works that burned my energy and sometimes it's too much. You'd never leave something for the next day, you were--are a bastard, that's the best word for you. Yet now I'm smiling recalling those memories. Now I understand you're just having fun, making me gone mad inside at the same time completing your work. Suits you so well.

Blood covers my eyes and probably I'm no longer in normal state anymore. I try to open my eyes but it's so blurry and fills with red and yellow. I want to raise my head, try to look at the sky for the last time, maybe take a good guess of the time but the flame eats everything and my bones feel weak. In my last dreaming moment, I wonder if even until now you still don't come for me, then I suppose you are really dead. Or you have already grown bored of me and found yourself another beloved, another pet that would be nice and never bite you, though you probably would not want something that nice. Between my slow and heavy breathes, something suddenly crosses my mind. Maybe all of these are your works. Maybe my Aizen-sama is somewhere out there, somewhere so near and watch me under your Kyouka Suigetsu, the same way as you did before with Central 46. You are the one that sentenced me to death. If-if it is you, really you, then I think, if this is how you want to make me pay, how you show me the result of betraying you, then probably I can handle it.

It suddenly makes so much sense now. Your sudden disappearance, my reappointment, my peaceful and boring life, those games I created without you, everything suddenly connects to my end. And I realise if you are alive, if you are still here and watching me, then everything happened to me was from you. I realise that finally I will be killed by you, by your revenge eventhough indirectly but still yours.

Because I bit you so bad so you'd make me pay. And with that, I am happy.

Within the raging flame, the burning hot of the legendary immortal phoenix, my vision goes blurred with red and white. Then I see you. In your dark hakama, white coat and hair stroked back. You are standing there, a bit far away from me but you are smiling. I raise my head and look at you, reach out for you and smile at you.

My fingers turn to dust. Your image lighten up and suddenly disappear just like those summer fireworks in the night. But I reached you. You hold me in your arms and smile. 

"_Sousuke_."


End file.
